I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
