I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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