Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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