I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
