You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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