I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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