I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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