How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
