you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
