Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
