Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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