Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
