I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Randomize
