So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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