We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
