I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
