no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I am puke
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
