I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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