He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
