you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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