Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
