hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
