and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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