I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
