I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
