how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize