From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
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