Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.