That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine