I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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