She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
