last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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