you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
