i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Randomize
