Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
