I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
