I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
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I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize