Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Randomize
