i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Randomize
