My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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