I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
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It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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