Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
