Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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