If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
