is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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