Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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