im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
