All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
