Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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