i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Randomize
