Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize