I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
