i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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