i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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