dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
