Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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