there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
