He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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