Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Randomize