just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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