Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize